


Three

by Tulikettu



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Caduceus is wonderful, Coming Out, Fjord goes through a lot, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Questioning Sexuality, feelings of inferiority, not beta read I live with my mistakes, some fjord/jester if you squint, vague mentions of homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:41:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26750800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tulikettu/pseuds/Tulikettu
Summary: Fjord doesn't want to feel the way he feels. He thinks he has everything all figured out until Caduceus dares to exist.And then he has to rethink a lot of things.
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Fjord
Comments: 3
Kudos: 77
Collections: Pride Month 2020





	Three

**Author's Note:**

> For the 2020 Pride Month Prompt #3 Small Town, but fits a whole lot better with #1 Coming Out.

It’s hard enough for Fjord growing up and being different in incredibly obvious ways. It’s overwhelming at times, seeing how many places he doesn’t fit in. He’s not human, he’s not an orc. He has no home. He has no parents. 

Even when he’s finally on a ship at sea and he feels like he  _ finally _ has a place to belong it’s not enough. He still feels like an  _ other _ . He doesn’t have great backstories to tell about his home or the fights he got into growing up, because he hated the orphanage and he never won the fights. Growing up was too hard. 

And then it gets worse, which feels impossible, but it does. Fjord finishes puberty, and he isn't as tall as the other half orcs that he knows of or works with. He’s a stupid, small thing. There are human men bigger than him, taller and more muscular. He’d had hopes that his time on the ships would bulk him up, and though he has some defined muscles he’s not huge.

And then- then Fjord realises he likes men. 

Whilst this isn’t a huge problem in the Port Damali area in general, it isn’t as well received on the ships. He doesn’t think anyone would outwardly hate him or act on their distaste, but there are homophobic jokes and name calling and slurs are thrown around regularly, as though it’s a bad thing to like men, as though liking men makes you weaker or less brave or less able to do your job. At the very least it’s easy to keep it hidden on the ships. That’s one blessing. None of these guys are his type, he’s not going to get distracted or starry eyed over any of them. Too gruff and masculine, too loud and brash in their speech. 

No, the real temptations were at port. When he’d last come back to shore there had been an influx of new businesses, and with those new businesses had come some beautiful men. Slim, well kept bookkeepers and garment makers, and purveyors of various things all over the city, dressed up in the loveliest clothes with their hair and sometimes make up immaculate enough to rival any of the fair ladies. And Fjord is completely smitten. All day every day when he’s working around the docks he’s distracted by these men walking back and forth. It’s exhausting, it’s like going back to his teenage years and being a constant state of arousal and having to find somewhere away from prying eyes to rub one out in an effort to calm himself down. 

But he can’t say anything. Or act on anything. Because it’ll get back to the ships and he doesn’t want to be judged on that. 

So Fjord is quiet about that side of himself, and it doesn’t really matter because they’re at sea more than in the docks, so he isn’t distracted a lot. And it isn’t as though he doesn’t like women, too. He can talk about their merits with the rest of the men in all good honesty so no one is any the wiser.

Time passes, and it just becomes a thing he doesn’t talk about. 

And then he meets Jester. Fjord is so relieved because she’s beautiful and funny and Fjord enjoys her company and he can forget he even felt anything different, because this is normal. Liking Jester is normal. And he’s happy with that. He’s comfortable. No one can say anything or make any judgement, it isn’t something he has to hide deep down inside himself.

But then he’s jealous. Beau and Molly are so comfortable in themselves, so confident, they don’t hesitate in announcing their attraction to their own genders. They talk about it so easily, as though no one has ever told them they shouldn’t feel that way, as though they’ve never felt wrong. Beau likes women, Molly likes everyone. There’s no shame. They don’t  _ come out _ , there isn’t a  _ moment _ when they tell everyone. It’s just all in their stride. Fjord would hate them for their confidence if it weren’t a stupid thing to do, if it weren’t his own problem that weighed him down. 

Molly really is something. He’s so masculine but also so beautiful. He’s strong but he paints such a delicate image when he chooses to. He embraces everything with no regard for gender- his clothes, his mannerisms, his bed partners. It confuses Fjord. Fjord likes Jester, he can cope with that. If he has any attraction to Molly it’s just because Molly is so incredibly feminine at times, he tells himself. 

But then Molly is gone.

And then there’s Caduceus. 

Caduceus is something  _ else _ and it’s not a something that Fjord is equipped to deal with. He’s just beauty wrapped in beauty, and Fjord has never known a soul so bright. 

His feelings for Jester fade slowly into the comfortable, familial love Fjord kind of feels for all of the Nein. And he can control his attraction to Caduceus easily enough (he’s had a lot of practise), even if he doesn’t know why he feels the need to keep it quiet. At least his sexuality. He probably doesn’t need to tell everyone that he has feelings for their cleric - their other cleric - and that it’s sometimes so overwhelming that he could cry. The goodness he feels, the happiness in Caduceus’ company. Because gods, he’s beautiful and so easy to be around, he doesn’t judge any of them (Fjord) for any of their terrible decisions (Uk’otoa, Avantika), and just finds a way to soothe them.

They meet so many people as they travel, so many people who aren’t straight and just live their lives, and none of his friends say anything negative, it’s perfectly normal. But Fjord wonders if it’s too late now. He should have been upfront with them from the start and not hidden it for almost a year. If anything screams ‘hey, I’m ashamed of who I am’ then it’s that.

His feelings leave him vulnerable. Caduceus makes him feel-

The Wildmother comes to him, eases gently into his life. The Wildmother is there with Fjord, lighting up a more beautiful path for him, whispering to him. She’s there for him, too. She’s come to him, and Fjord hates that it makes him feel even more for Caduceus, makes him fall even harder for this man who is so gentle and sweetly oblivious, and has never mentioned sex or attraction to anyone, so why would it be Fjord? Just because he ticks all of Fjord’s boxes, why should it be the other way around? Caduceus is too  _ good _ , too bright to want to mix himself up with Fjord’s darkness. But it doesn’t stop him wanting.

Feelings make him vulnerable. 

But then Fjord is standing by the molten rock at the forge, watching his sword sink into it, his chest hurting and bleeding. He has no power, and now he really is vulnerable. He has nothing. He is useless. 

Caduceus is there, like an answered prayer Fjord was too scared to speak. He’s unflustered and proud and full of words that make Fjord ache with their beauty. He isn’t worthy of them, even as he clings to Caduceus and lets his comfort wash over him. Lets it put him back together. There are moments when the words are on his lips to say, to completely lay himself out, but he doesn’t. They stick a little too hard in his throat, as though that might be the tipping point, even though Fjord knows it would be the most gentle of letdowns. If Fjord said  _ I love you _ , three little huge words, Caduceus would be kind. But he isn’t going to. He just lets gentle hands and words put him back together, and relishes every touch as though it will sate his love. 

There’s no escape now, though. They’re tied together by the Wildmother, who has chosen him, who he wants to serve. Who he looks to Caduceus for for guidance in his worship. And those are wonderful moments, too, time alone just the two of them when Caduceus leads a meditation or tells Fjord stories or shows him little bits of his magic. It only deepens his feelings, of course, but Caduceus’ openness, his brightness and honesty do more than just make him fall deeper. 

Fjord thinks he needs to be honest, too. He needs to begin over. 

* * *

  
  


They’re in an inn on the road, having a rest and pulling themselves together, healing as they chase phantoms. He’s watching Caduceus braid Jester’s hair whilst Jester chats to Beau. It’s odd how differently he feels about them both now, his clerics. How hard he had tried to convince himself he could love Jester. How easily he loves Caduceus. 

Fjord stretches and leans back, turning his head towards Beau (his first choice of counsellor), and so kind of Jester too as she’s beside Beau, and so by reasoning kind of Caduceus as well. 

“I like guys,” he says softly, part of him hoping to just purge the words without anyone hearing. He’s never said them out loud. 

But of course they hear because they’re meant to. Through some divine intervention or otherwise. Beau turns to look at him, the conversation between her and Jester cut short.

“It’s your funeral, man. Guys are gross,” Beau replies, lifting one of her shoulders in a shrug. Simple. 

Jester beams. “That’s great, Fjord!” She seems genuinely pleased for him, like she knows this was an enormous weight that pressed on his soul, but is just as unphased as Beau, picking up her milk and resuming her conversation with the monk.

Caduceus looks serene, though a knot of confusion sits between his brows, and Fjord is reminded again that it’s probably futile to hope it might mean something, but he feels good now. Comfortable. This new skin is easier to live in. 

And nothing changes. The three (different) soft words do nothing to change the group’s dynamics, and now, somehow, it’s easier to be in love with Caduceus. Fjord, the whole party, need easy right now with the world on the brink of tearing itself apart around them. 

He’s on last watch with Caduceus, the two of them watching the sun creep up over the horizon. They spend this time together a lot. Caduceus likes dawn, likes the connection he feels to Melora, and Fjord just likes to see that expression on his face, the rapture, the genuine awe at the power he feels around him. 

“Fjord?” Caduceus whispers, as though anything louder would disturb the air around them, shatter the moment, this little bubble they’re in.

“Yeah?” Fjord asks, similarly quiet. His attention is already on Caduceus, drinking in the sight of him in the low light. 

“I like guys.” Three words. Caduceus turns his head to look at Fjord, a little smile on his lips. 

Fjord has too many things to say in return, all of them bubbling up at once so that they get stuck, ensuring nothing gets out. He blinks, opening and closing his mouth a few times, heat creeping into his cheeks, his pulse beginning to quicken. Is Caduceus saying that with intent? Does he mean he likes Fjord? Is this something starting between them?

A breeze blows gentle and warm through Fjord’s hair and catches some of the long strands of Caduceus’, as though Fjord needs reminding of how beautiful this man is.

“Well. I guess we should-”  _ have a drink? Have dinner? Talk? Gods you’re so- _

“There’s no rush, Fjord,” Caduceus replies softly, reaching across to touch Fjord’s shoulder lightly, just shy of a caress. “I don’t think I’m going to stop liking guys any time soon.”

It loosens something in Fjord’s chest, allowing him to breathe easier once again. The middle of nowhere chasing demi-gods is not the time nor the place to start something new, especially not something that Fjord wants to nurture, to grow strong. It’s enough to have that chance waiting for him, them, at the end. Something to look forward to, a bright pinpoint on their horizon. 

And if he has any doubts that Caduceus meant anything else at all, they are assuaged when his long fingers slide through Fjord’s hair, caressing the back of his head, and a smile that Fjord hasn’t yet catalogued flickers across Caduceus’ face. Well a few things can change, maybe, he thinks as he leans into the touch and turns back to watch the sun rise.

**Author's Note:**

> I decided this year I'm going to write a big Fjorclay fic for NaNoWriMo, rather than coming up with something original, so if any of you have any prompts or wishes or anything, drop them in the comments and I'll use a few.
> 
> I'm posting four fics today, sorry for the spam.
> 
> Take care of yourselves, and be kind to each other.


End file.
